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From today’s b, the paper

It could be considered blasphemous to imagine “Sex and the City” sans New York, with the city being the fifth lady and all.

But suppose for a second that Carrie and crew pulled up stakes and landed in Baltimore. Why? Perhaps there’s some freak global warming flood — don’t say Al Gore/ “The Day After Tomorrow” didn’t warn us. Or perhaps the girls wanted to be in a place where “having crabs” doesn’t necessarily mean they need medical attention (looking at you, Charlotte).

Either way, we think they’d want to “get in on it.” We can see a weekly ladies’ lunch at City Cafe or Gertrude’s, corporate lawyer Miranda representing a Legg Mason bigwig or perhaps a night of signature cosmos at — where else? — Cosmopolitan in Canton, the perfect locale for a Samantha trademark “Dirty martini? Dirty bastard!” quip. And wouldn’t it be sweet for Carrie and her Baltimore Big to go on a flirty dragon-boat date (as long as she leaves the fur coat at home)?

Here’s how they could acclimate nicely to “Sex in Another City.” Absof—inlutely!

carrie
Neighborhood: Mount Vernon. Where better for a writer to feel at home than in an artist enclave?
Carrie can’t help but wonder: For a place nicknamed Charm City, where, exactly, are all the charming men?
Perfect Baltimore guy: For someone Mr. Big-esque, Carrie should troll downtown to snatch a famous — and rich — land developer. The caveat: He’s out of town. A lot.
Shopping Mecca: Cupcake in Canton, for a dash of sophistication paired with daring fun. Plus, there’s a treasure trove of accessories for the flair-happy Carrie. Just try to overcome your fanny pack fetish. Seriously, try.
Date night: A two-hour dinner in Little Italy ought to be enough to seduce romantic-at-heart Carrie.
Favorite Baltimore activity: Watching the city go by atop Federal Hill, laptop in tow, wistfully pondering the future. She also might appreciate the campiness of Honfest.

miranda
Neighborhood: Pre-baby: Downtown loft. Post-baby: Ruxton
Lawyer hot-spot: The fiscally responsible Miranda will surely revel in any of the multiple law student-friendly happy hours near University of Baltimore.
Perfect Baltimore guy: A bartender at Frasier’s in Hampden
Shopping Mecca: For a nice selection of responsible though attractive pantsuits, Miranda should probably apply for a Filene’s Basement charge card.
Date night: Sushi at RA in Harbor East, a quick pint or two across the street at James Joyce, then it’s back home for a quick romp. Hey, lawyers have to keep to a schedule.
Favorite Baltimore activity: The acid-tongued Miranda would laugh along with the best of them during an oft-snarky Stoop Stories production at Center Stage.

charlotte
Neighborhood: Roland Park, perfect for someone with white picket fence dreams
Compassionate conservatism: We have doubts Charlotte would embrace any chain bar, but she might fit in well at Republican oasis Ropewalk in Federal Hill. So many Reagan portraits to admire, so little time.
Perfect Baltimore guy: A Johns Hopkins Hospital neurosurgeon with a Baltimore Opera Company season pass
Shopping Mecca: We’ve got two words for you, Char: Lily Pulitzer. The Pink Crab in Ruxton has perfecty preppy attire fit to match any strand of pearls.
Date night: Table for two at Pazo, followed by a Beethoven performance at the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra and capped with a nice peck goodnight
Favorite Baltimore activity: Anything artsy for this former art gallery owner. Volunteering at the BMA, taking in the sites at Artscape, even checking out the decorated crabs. Charlotte is there.

samantha
Neighborhood: Inner Harbor high-rise, replete with various doormen to seduce
Cougar on the prowl: Ms. Jones might like her odds in Canton. St. Patrick’s Day in the square might just have to be re-named St. Samantha’s Day.
Perfect Baltimore guy: A young Cantonite investor (sense a theme?). Young + money = hard for Sam to resist.
Shopping Mecca: Coach by day, Forever 21 by night. There’s a distinctive Sam fashion change-up that comes with every sunset.
Date night: Some illegal skinny dipping on a rooftop hotel pool. Expensive champagne required.
Favorite Baltimore activity: Baltimore Pride, if just for the free condoms alone. Should last Sam a solid week.

Jordan Bartel is assistant editor at b. Contact him at jordan@bthesite.com.

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