From today’s b, the paper

No offense to our real moms (yes, we’ll call grandma and yes, we’ll wear a sweater), but for this year’s ode to Mother’s Day, the b staff mined its collective pop culture consciousness to explore the TV moms who, well, kind of helped raise us. From the moms with the sharpest of tongues (Sofia Petrillo!) to the ones who weren’t the sharpest of dressers (leopard-print spandex, thy name is Peg Bundy), here are the mothers who gave us unconditional love. And they were only a remote control click away.

sofia petrillo
The Golden Girls 1985-1992
Played by: Estelle Getty
In the blood: Never underestimate a Sicilian chick, especially, the, uh, more mature ones. She probably has Mafia ties. Or she can just make a mean spaghetti sauce. But one can never tell which she’ll unleash.
She knows how to regulate: Sofia’s got a sharp tongue and doesn’t hesitate to give you a lashing.
Fashion maven: Yes, she’s got a penchant for sensible button-down blouses paired with dingy-colored cardigans. And yes, she lives in Miami. What of it?
Yet, she’s hip: Sofia has a Facebook page. Befriend her, if you dare.
Life lesson learned: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again . . . sluts just heal quicker.” {JORDAN BARTEL, B}

lois griffin
Family Guy 1999-present
Voiced by: Alex Borstein
True Love: The daughter of a wealthy family, Lois gave up her family’s fortune by marrying lazy, low-class, chauvinistic Peter. There’s still hope for some of us.
Multi-talented: A modern-day housewife who manages to teach piano lessons to supplement the family income, run errands, care for the family and avoid baby Stewie’s regular attempts to end her oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny.
Aging gracefully: Pretty fine looking for a fortysomething. Seriously, could she be drawn any better?
Life lesson learned: “Women are such teases. That’s why I went back to men.” {BRIAN KRISTA, B}

jill taylor
Home Improvement 1991-1999
Played by: Patricia Richardson
Better than the rest: Mrs. T kept her family together despite a klutzy, grunty husband and three rowdy kids — yet made it look so easy. You try living with Tim Allen.
Tough times: When middle son Randy had a cancer scare, she kept her cool. This was helpful when all of us prepubescent girls were crying for poor JTT.
Sexy spawn: Her son was Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Enough said.
Life lesson learned: You can be a mom, wife, student AND still have time to be a smartass. {MARISSA RICHARDSON, B}

peggy bundy
Married with Children 1987-1997
Played by: Katey Sagal
Lazy, yet effective: Even though she couldn’t operate an oven or a vacuum cleaner to save her life, the Bundy household stayed surprisingly clean. Who says your checkered carpet has to match your orange couch?
Good DNA: If you looked at how her daughter turned out — at least in the looks department — you can tell Peggy definitely had it going on when she was younger. We’ll blame Al for how Bud turned out.
Goodbye Wanker: Peggy came a long way from her Wanker County roots to live a lavish life eating bonbons and watching “The Phil Donahue Show.”
Oh, those one-liners: “Honey, I complain about your performance all the time … you don’t care. Sometimes you don’t even wake up.”
Life lesson learned: Don’t marry a shoe salesman. {MATT VENSEL, B}

carol brady
The Brady Bunch 1969-1974
Played by: Florence Henderson
Real appeal: Blue eyes, blonde hair and she pulls off a female mullet (aka the femullet). What more can you want?
Love and understanding: Typically said the right thing at the right time. Plus, for a low-level architect, Mr. Brady seemed stressed out, pretty much all the time.
Problem solver: The world’s problems, or at least the Bradys’, could always be solved in 20 minutes or less with a little help from Carol.
Life lesson learned: Having a blended family with six kids is pretty simple when you marry an architect and have a housekeeper. {ALISIA CHAPMAN, B}

clair huxtable
The Cosby Show 1984-1992
Played by: Phylicia Rashad
The enforcer: Frequently the disciplinarian when Denise, Theo, Vanessa or Rudy strayed from the righteous path — did eldest child Sondra ever misbehave?
Yet loving: Quick with reassuring words and a constant source of encouragement for the kids (and her husband), she’s the working mom who finds time to keep the house in order.
Speaking of work: How to keep the spouse who’s a doctor from getting a big head? Be a lawyer.
Her naughty side: Exchange during a back rub. Clair: “You know that spot you found?” Cliff: “Yeah.” Clair: “Find that spot again.” Cliff: “I can find another one if we go upstairs.” Clair laughs, then follows him upstairs. Cue the Barry White tune.
Life lesson learned: Know when to keep your mouth shut, especially when trying to get in the last word with your woman. Cliff: “I’m just saying that a woman can have babies longer than a man can play football.” Clair: “Go to sleep, Cliff, ‘cause you’re gonna need a helmet if you keep talking.” Oh, snap. {BEN PILLOW, B}

marge simpson
The Simpsons 1989-present
Voiced by: Julie Kavner
The hair: This ‘do is more than just big. Marge’s blue beehive also serves as a convenient (and portable, I might add) storage unit.
Jackie O. style: Our lovely Mrs. Simpson knows how to keep it simple (and tragically repetitive) and work a strand of pearls better than any sorority girl could ever hope.
Iron will: Marge has a ridiculously high threshold for dealing with her husband’s stupidity and son’s lack of discipline. Even when Homer put on an unhealthy amount of weight — and a muumuu — she stood by her man.
Life lesson learned: “You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.” Marge knows how to aim low and not set herself up for disappointment. {TIM WONG, B}

The Mom Show: The b staffers pick their favorite MILFs

lorelai gilmore Gilmore Girls
Sure, she’s nice to look at, but Lorelai’s hotness comes from her ability to make it on her own with a baby in tow, wear high-heeled boots and spin you in circles with her witty banter. Plus, she got Luke “arm candy” Danes in the end. {MARISSA RICHARDSON, B}

wilhelmina slater Ugly Betty
Expect to feel used and abused after this conniving Benedict bitch and misunderstood mom gets through with you. {TIM WONG, B}

nicole ‘niki’ sanders Heroes
Is making it with this hot mom like having a threesome? This “Hero” does have an alter ego/split personality after all. {TIM WONG, B}

cartman’s mom, liane
South Park
She may not be the best-looking mom out there and she’s certainly not very curvy, but she’s experienced and knows what she’s doing — and there’s something to be said for that. {MATT VENSEL, B}

samantha stevens Bewitched
She’s a witch so playful, twitchy and magical, you totally overlook the husband switcheroo from Dick York to Dick Sargent. {ANNE TALLENT, B}

bree van de kamp
Desperate Housewives
Who else is going to bake you gingersnaps after a heated night of passion on 1600-thread count sheets? And we had to have a redhead on the list. {ALISIA CHAPMAN, B}

morticia addams
The Addams Family
With her long dark hair, pale skin and mysterious ways, she is definitely the most intriguing mother to star on television, especially if you’re into the whole S&M thing.
{BRIAN KRISTA, B}

carmela soprano The Sopranos
She’s a gangster’s wife who’s cool with that lifestyle. Check. She shows she’s no trophy wife by throwing her husband out of the house. Check. She wants to get it on with a member of Tony’s crew. That’s a MILF, mate. {BEN PILLOW, B}

nancy botwin Weeds
The war against drugs is made even more difficult as sexy dealers like Nancy roam suburban neighborhoods. {JORDAN BARTEL, B}

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