From today’s b, the paper:

Question: I was in a relationship for 13 months but broke it off because I felt he was cheating on me with a woman who kept coming around. We were apart for five weeks before I realized I was pregnant. We got back together, but at the end of October he told me that an unnamed friend told him I was cheating around the time I got pregnant, that he doesn’t believe my baby is his and that he won’t have anything to do with me. This is a lie. I found out later that the no-name person was my best friend. I haven’t heard from or seen my ex-boyfriend the whole time I was pregnant. Now I have a beautiful little girl I adore so much, who looks just like him. How do I stop loving him?

LaDawn says: Once you love someone, you never really stop loving. Time seems to dull the feelings, and eventually you move on. Having a child with someone only makes this cooling-off harder because the person is still a constant — through both his actions with your child and your child’s resemblance to him. Your lover’s passion should be channeled into just a love and respect for your child’s father. My biggest hope is that you find a happy medium where this man can be part of your child’s life without you expecting more, because when one parent is carrying a torch the child becomes a pawn.

Question: My boyfriend and I were together for three years, and all that time he was talking to other women. He would stop for a month or two, then start again. Finally I found out he had purchased a second cell phone; he said he bought it for his friend. I believed him, but a few weeks later I caught him on that same phone talking to another woman. I have had enough, but when he comes over or calls I just get sucked back in.

LaDawn says: Sweetie, this is a pattern of not being able to be faithful. If you are in this relationship for monogamy, he’s showing you that’s not the way he wants to play. See him for what he is and stick to what you want in a relationship. When he calls or comes by, be unavailable. If he catches you, keep in mind that he can’t give you what you want and it’s time to move on. Soon, he’ll find the air around you so cold that he’ll just go away.

Question: It has finally come together in my mind that I have been blind the whole time I have been with my girlfriend, thinking that our relationship was 50-50 — not me giving 60 percent and her 40 percent. She’s been through one relationship after another, and I think she’s scared that I am going to hurt her, so she tries to hurt me as if she’s beating me to the punch. But I want her to know I love her and I wouldn’t hurt her. Not because it’s just how I feel about her — it’s also because that’s just not who I am. I really want her to know I am for real enough for her to open up in every way to me.

LaDawn says: We have all dealt with damaged folks who cannot accept good love because someone else has run them through the relationship ringer. The easiest way to turn these folks around is to continue to be a good lover and make sure that they get the message early and often that things will be different for them this go-round. Action breaks down barriers, and as you allow your lover to open up and feel safe, the layers of hurt will peel away. If the layers stay, then it will be time to be brutally honest, telling your lover that her holding on to the past is not providing much room for her future. If she is smart, she will take this as her final warning to open up to you.

LaDawn Black is a relationship expert, author and the host of the Love Zone on 92Q. Her latest book is “Let’s Get It On: 15 Hot Tips and Tricks to Spice Up Your Sex Life” (One World/ Ballantine). Her column appears Wednesdays in b. Send questions to advice@ladawnblack.com.

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.