El douchebag {Brian Krista, b}

From today’s b, the paper

You know them. You see them. Maybe one’s a neighbor, a friend. Maybe one just served you an espresso with a double shot of haughty. Maybe you’re one.

Yeah, we’re talking douchebags. They’re out there, walking among us, looking down on us, driving an IROC-Z while blasting T-Pain’s latest. They practice pursing their lips and have totally DVRed Dane Cook’s latest comedy special because it will be “f—ing rad, brah.”

Yet not all douchebags are created equal. Chances are, someone falls along our Douchebag Spectrum (TM). So it’s not too late for some. Perhaps you give those Oakleys to Goodwill or download just one Nickelback song, not the entire album.

Remember, we’re here to help — even the douchebags.

(Click here for a more thorough visual examination of douchebags.)

Entry-level douchebag {Brian Krista, b}

•••• entry-level douchebag
{INFANTUS JERKWADERUS} You’ve graduated from tool (and from college — barely) and are now an eager douchebag-in-training.
• You own a Nickelback album.
• It’s not gel, man. It’s $40 hair wax.
• You smell like an Abercrombie store.
• You’ve officially dubbed your friends “my boys.”
• Favorite word to scream: WHOOOOOO!
• You name your dog after a character from “To Kill a Mockingbird.”
• You spend most weekends at Power Plant Live!
• You talk about “Lost” as if it were “The Grapes of Wrath.”
• You pretend you know how to swirl and sniff wine.
• Trademark greeting: “Sup,” paired with one of those head nods.
• You manscape.
• Favorite scent: Axe body spray.
• The only songs you’ll sing at karaoke are by Journey.
• Ronald Reagan is your hero.
• You’re a Yankees fan.
• You pay a bar tab with a credit card and don’t leave a tip.
• Polo shirts are two times too small.
• You bar-golf in Federal Hill.
• You still “poke” people on Facebook.
• You always end an e-mail with the environmentally friendly reminder, “Don’t print this e-mail unless you really have to.”
• You’re pals with the prepared food team at Whole Foods.
celeb soul mates: Wilmer Valderrama; Keith Olbermann; Colin Farrell; Brody Jenner; Mario Lopez

Mid-grade douchebag {Brian Krista, b}

•••• mid-grade douchebag
{COLLARPOPPERUS FANATICUM} Well on your way to becoming a full-fledged douchebag but still working on defining your sense of entitlement.
• You call Frisbee golf “The sport of kings.”
• You own a message T-shirt with a double sexual entendre, i.e.: Ride south to Pen Island.
• You have a “Scarface” poster in your living room. You’re 29 years old.
• You’ve ever layered a T-shirt over a polo shirt.
• You still have a “W” sticker on your car.
• You are willing to vote for anyone Chuck Norris tells you to.
• Johnny Lawrence in “The Karate Kid” is your idol.
• Tattoos include a bald eagle, Chinese characters you can’t translate.
• You randomly mention your alma mater in conversation — just because it’s, you know, so impressive.
• You grow your hair to surfer/lax player length and then claim it’s not a new version of the mullet.
• You wear sunglasses indoors.
• You still listen to Creed.
• You call Preakness, “freakness.”
• You wear your three Livestrong bracelets — in the shower.
• Two words: trucker hat.
• Most of your credit card debt comes from PacSun.
• You squint in photos and while throwing up a gang sign.
• You work on your Great American Novel at Starbucks.
celeb soul mates: Carlos Mencia; John Mayer; Matthew McConaughey; Ty Pennington; Ashton Kutcher

Extreme douchebag {Brian Krista, b}

•••• the extreme douchebag
{MAXIMUS DOUCHEBAGUS} Everyone is beneath you — and your tight pink polo. And your hair is spiked as close to God as it can get.
• You consider Dane Cook a comic master.
• You never miss St. Patrick’s Day in Canton Square for the Port-A-Potty tipping.
• You’re from Long Island.
• You’ve actually uttered the phrase, “I’ve got secrets can’t leave Cancun.”
• You have a Bluetooth headset. When people look at you inquisitively as you talk to yourself, you point quickly to the headset and mouth, “I’m on the phone.”
• You always wear your artfully distressed Gamecocks hat. Backwards.
• You fervently believe, “These colors don’t run.”
• Ideal free time: Earnestly singing Jack Johnson songs while enjoying a bonfire on the beach.
• You think Tom Cruise is getting a bad rap.
• You don’t feel good about yourself unless you get spray-tanned four times a week.
• You, unironically, wear a dollar-sign chain necklace.
• You advocate a Baltimore homeless relocation program, instead of just giving them a buck or two.
• You use the word gay in a derogatory sense — after doing a workout with your heterosexual life mate.
• You call people “brah.”
• You bemoan the Baltimore Sports & Social Club’s girl-requirement.
• You constantly purse your lips inexplicably.
• You have a barbed-wire bicep tattoo — and aren’t in the Hells Angels or a UFC fighter.
celeb soul mates: Spencer Pratt; Dane Cook; Donald Trump; Ryan Seacrest; Adam Levine; Criss Angel; Nick Lachey

Jordan Bartel is assistant editor at b. E-mail him at jordan@bthesite.com.

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