OK, gang, it’s time for some new Superlatives of Baltimore categories! (Apologies to City and Baltimore magazine)

You pick ’em! I will give my little opinion, too.

PLEASE NOTE: Some of these may be illegal or unappreciated. Information for amusement purposes only.

1. Best place to get coffee at 3 a.m. that tastes remotely like coffee, please:
Me: Dunkin Donuts, Guilford Avenue, near the jail. Bad service, like monumentally bad, but coffee is a 7 out of 10. I add a few sugars for good measure. And the brass is always around so they can stop the occasional dude from beating me up.

You:

2. Best place to get a Reuben other than Attman’s (’cause you may not be close to it):
Me: Coffee Land. It’s a little shop next door to the Superfresh downtown — but get this: The sandwich is called “The Saratoga,” named after the street of course!
Or the University Market in Charles Village (not on the menu, but if you ask one of the grumpy dudes behind the counter, he will make it happen. Leave a tip).
Or Dougherty’s Pub in Mount Vernon! All good Rueben spots.

You:

3. Best place for free Internet/computer use:
Me: Johns Hopkins University. Open all night! And it’s clean, and people will think you’re a doctor — maybe you’ll actually get laid!
MICA library: Bonus points if you’re as creepy looking as me when using facilities!

You:

4. Best place to zone out for free:
Me: The BMA or the Walters (the Walters café is really quiet and placid!). You can meet the guy or gal of your dreams — they can’t be that bad if they’re at a museum!

You:

5. Best free transportation:
Me: The Hopkins Shuttle. Once again, act like a doctor — unless you are one, in which case you may want to get back to that bypass surgery.
Here is the deal: It picks up at the Monument, at Penn and in front of Barnes and Noble in Charles Village! That mofo runs all day. Enjoy!

Or the Light Rail, but eventually you’ll get caught, unless you’re me. (Sorry for exclamations, R.R.)

You:

6. Best place to pretend you are going someplace and meet new people who don’t know what a troublemaker you are yet:
Me: Penn Station. Make sure to pace and occasionally look at the clock, or the jig is up, mate!

You: (feel free to include touristy places)

7. Best place to act unabashedly bizarre and not worry about repercussions, as no one there will ever see you again, anyway:
Me: The Inner Harbor! Get a free sample at the fudge place Sisqo used to work at. Fudge Factory? He may be coming back.

You:

8. Best place to find free stuff:
Me: The loading dock of the Copy Cat Building, 1511 Guilford Ave. (inside). Wait for angry youth to open door. I’ve actually supplied my entire apartment with furniture and even a computer from this lovely place! Plus, lots of clothes — ironic ex-MICA-kid sweaters and such — hey, it keeps ya warm, and that’s about the most you could ask of an artist. Seriously, you will find space heaters, air conditioners, shelves, coffee tables — Lord, you name it. Books. Ya like books? Read a book.

Also, check out the H&H Building.

You:

8. Best place for free food:
Me: Center Stage openings (first night of performance). Ya don’t have to have a ticket to eat! The food is top-notch. Get there early if ya want dessert — stuff goes quick.
Whole Foods, of course (the free samples).
Food Not Bombs!

You:

10. Best free place for a romantic date:
Me: Arboretum, Baltimore. This place will do what Donna’s can’t do: make you look like you have class! FOR FREE. Make a nice picnic. Bring a Frisbee, but FYI: Once it’s in the woods, just let it go.

(I guess now that I think of it, BMA and Walters too).

You:

OK, your turn!

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