Thursday is bar trivia at Max’s on Broadway {David Stuck, special to b}

I’ve never taken a punch, nor have I thrown one. I don’t know CPR or how to change a diaper or a tire — God help me if I get a flat while traveling with a choking baby, and we all know it happens at least once in a lifetime. But I can usually name all the presidents in order. Useless skill? Maybe. But it leads to bar trivia glory. No, bar trivia isn’t high on the life-skills ranks. But it is something grander: a spectacle, a drunken competition, sweat-inducing fun. And so, a plan is hatched: two weeks, two different bar trivia nights in Baltimore. I’d join one team, create my own. Punch-throwing would have to wait. Maybe.

NO IDEA
“We’re tied for second,” my friend Kate tells me of our team, “Defining Moments,” inspired by the Orioles ads I hate. I refrain from telling Kate how much I hate the name, because the members are gracious enough to let me join and because I learn competing teams have names such as “I Wish This Mic Was My Penis” and “I Got Caught Doing 30 in a 15-Year-Old.” “Defining Moments” seems almost dignified.

When I arrive at Federal Hill’s No Idea Tavern, our table is crowded with buckets of five-for-$10 Miller Lites. Other teams have formed, and they collectively size me up as I walk in, give a quarter-smile, then huddle back to their team. My team: Kate, her brother Nick, his girlfriend Maria, Kate and Nick’s cousin, Matt, and a couple, Carrie and Kevin. They have rules: Don’t talk loudly and check for cheaters (Maria says “half of the players cheat” via iPhones, texting or snooping on other teams). Points per round are tabulated on paper by the teams. Everything is honor system.

The first round is called “Before and After.” One question: “Who starred as Batman before Christian Bale?” Who can forget George Clooney and the bat nipples heard ’round the world? In the middle of the contest,  a song is played for seven seconds. Everyone is tense. We know the artist is Michelle Branch, but when we get the title wrong, Kate runs to the bar yelling a request to “challenge” (though it’s unclear whether “challenges” are allowed). Her brother goes up for a chugging challenge for a tiebreaker. “If you suck, I’m going to kill you,” Kate tells him. “Defining Moments” is hardcore. I’m just along for the ride.

The final question is to name four of the first five “American Idol” winners. Come on! I take the paper from Nick and scrawl out all the winners. We debate and analyze and go over our work as if we’re about to claim we’ve discovered a cure for AIDS. “Are you confident?” Nick asks me, stone-faced serious. “Yes” I say, confident, if slightly tipsy. We get it right, and we get first place for the night — and more shots.

MAX’S

A week later, I hastily assemble a good crew for Max’s in Fells Point: my friend Meekah, co-worker Wes (who brought a roommate, Matt, who knows science, which is good because my college lab science was geology) and, again, Kate, because I was afraid not to ask. Later, my friend Lisa joins us. The atmosphere here is less tense than at No Idea, but fun, with chugging tiebreakers.

We meet amiable “quiz announcer” John. He and partner-in-quiz Rich have been running Quiz-A-Ma-Jig, a bar trivia quiz service, for five years. They are pros.

The first category: holidays. We get either a date or some description of a date (the first Tuesday after the first full week after the blue moon, or something similar). We nail dates such as Election Day and Grandparent’s Day. Our letdown is missing Armed Forces Day. We don’t even know what Armed Forces Day entails or how to properly observe it. We feel like idiots. The team comes together when we tackle: “According to a recent Harris Interactive poll, who are Americans’ 10 favorite female athletes?”

We nail down the Williams sisters, realize people love them some Danica Patrick. I bring up Chris Evert, am shot down, but alas, she makes the final 10. There’s no told-you-so’s in trivia. I remain silent.

The last question is a doozy: “What was involved in a Jan. 15, 1919, event that ended in the deaths of 21 people?” We are dumbfounded. Then, a miracle: Lisa knows this one. The fact that the answer is “molasses” makes us feel her inclusion on the team was pre-ordained by the trivia gods.

We place second, lose by 15 points — the winner gets a prize, but we ignore what that prize is. My team sticks around as the room clears out, and John and Rich grab a beer and take a seat. They think of questions all the time; when driving they get ideas for street sign questions. The worst kind of question, they say, is something nobody knows, nobody wants to guess or nobody cares. “So, what makes a good bar trivia question?” I ask.
“A great trivia question is when half the room knows the answer,” John says, “and half the room, when they hear the answer, says, ‘Ahhh. That’s right.’”

Jordan Bartel is assistant editor at b. E-mail him at jordan@bthesite.com

Trivia pursuits

Check out some of our other favorite Baltimore-area trivia nights. Because, after all, knowing is half the battle.

JAMES JOYCE 7:30pm Mondays
616 S. President St., Harbor East 410.727.5107  \\
thejamesjoycepub.com

THE WHARF RAT 9pm Tuesdays
801 S. Ann St., Fells Point
410.267.8065  \\  thewharfrat.com

SLY FOX PUB 9pm Wednesdays
823 E. Fort Ave., Federal Hill
410.637.3699  \\  slyfoxpub.com

ALEXANDER’S TAVERN 8pm Wednesdays
710 S. Broadway, Fells Point
410.522.0000  \\
alexanderstavern.com

MAD RIVER 8pm Wednesdays
1110 S. Charles St., Federal Hill
410.727.2333  \\
madriverbaltimore.com

THE RED HOUSE TAVERN 8pm Thursdays
2239 Essex St., Canton
410.522.3220  \\
myspace.com/redhousetavern

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